At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
