Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
