I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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