Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
