I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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