Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Randomize
