Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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