Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
