she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
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