Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
