i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
