One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
