btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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