he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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