listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
