Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Text me some of your sweat
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
