Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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