dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sorry about my life...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
