oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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