Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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