tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
