Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
