I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
