I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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