Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
