I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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