I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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