I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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