Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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