we have pet lesbian snakes
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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