you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
