Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
