I love black thongs
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
