if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
