I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
