I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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