i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
