i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
