he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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