Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Last time i carry you out of a forest
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
