I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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