Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
