I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
