I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
