Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
