the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
