True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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