He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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