Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
