yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
