Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
