i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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