The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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