we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
